LORNA and FIGARO have mutual friends. They are introduced to each other at a party and now have to make small talk. LORNA wants a hot dog and FIGARO is a vegan activist. The song playing loudly in the background is “All I Ever Wanted” by Basshunter.
LORNA: Fun party.
FIGARO: Yeah. Music’s a little loud though.
LORNA: Sorry, what?
FIGARO: The music is kind of loud!
LORNA: Yeah…
LORNA: Uh, hey, sorry – I don’t think I quite got your name.
FIGARO: Figaro.
LORNA: Fi – Sorry, what?
FIGARO: FIGARO. FI-GA-RO.
LORNA: “Figaro”? Like the song?
FIGARO, rolling his eyes: Yeah. Like the song.
LORNA: That’s… a cool name. I’m Lorna, by the way.
FIGARO: Yeah, I got that.
LORNA: Right. Sorry. My hearing’s not that great, so.
FIGARO: Don’t worry about it.
LORNA: I… think I might get something from the food table. You want something?
FIGARO: Maybe later. I’m not that hungry.
LORNA: Man, I am starving. I could murder an entire cow right now. Ha-ha.
FIGARO: Are you serious?
LORNA: What?
FIGARO: Are you serious? “Murder a cow”? That’s disgusting.
LORNA: It was just a joke.
FIGARO: Oh, so you’re not going to eat the carcass of an innocent animal?
LORNA: What? No! I was just going to get a hot dog or something.
FIGARO: Oh my god!
LORNA: Oh, shut up. It’s just a hot dog. The table’s stacked with them.
FIGARO: It’s not “just” a hot dog. You don’t get it. Carnivore.
LORNA: Excuse me for having a balanced diet.
FIGARO: You probably don’t even know about half of the stuff you cram into your gullet.
LORNA: Well sorry, not everyone has the time and effort required to organically harvest their own quinoa or whatever it is you people do.
FIGARO: So it’s “you people” now? Oh, okay.
LORNA: You called me a carnivore!
FIGARO: And?
LORNA: You think that’s going to save the planet? Being petty?
FIGARO: Anything to help take down the meat industry.
LORNA: “The meat industry”? What – Big Meat?
FIGARO: Yes! Big Meat! I’m not afraid to say it!
LORNA, moving towards the hot dog table: You know what? You can take Big Meat and shove it –
FIGARO: Hey! Where are you going?
LORNA: I’m going to get myself a hot dog.
FIGARO: Don’t – !
LORNA: You can’t stop me!
She rushes over to the hot dog table and quickly assembles a hot dog. FIGARO follows behind her. She’s just finished and about to take a bite when he slaps it out of her hand.
LORNA: You child! You absolute child!
FIGARO: Childish? Me? I’m not the one eating out of spite!
LORNA: I was hungry! And you must be trying to spite someone, because nobody goes vegan out of the kindness of their hearts!
FIGARO: People who care about the earth do!
LORNA: Oh, you care about the earth? Oh okay, so I guess you split your recycling into three, as per the French national requirements, which are of course far superior to our own?
FIGARO: Of course I do! That’s environmentalism for babies.
LORNA: And I suppose, then, that any and all pets you own and have owned have been adopted from shelters?
FIGARO: Don’t patronise me! And come on. Everyone knows you can’t “own” an animal.
LORNA: Okay, so I guess you must be aware of all the wildlife being killed off to support alternative crops, i.e. your vegan diet?
FIGARO: Of course I know – ! Wait… what?
LORNA: Yeah! Millions of wild animals killed every day, just to protect all the cows raised in safety and captivity.
[“Wannabe” by the Spice Girls comes on.]
FIGARO: You don’t think the lives of cows are worth protecting?
LORNA: They wouldn’t be alive if we didn’t raise them for food.
FIGARO: They’re raised in inhumane conditions!
LORNA: Well I guess it’s a good thing they’re not human, then!
FIGARO: So it’s okay because they’re just animals? You don’t think animals have feelings? You don’t think they know what pain is?
LORNA: They haven’t listened to the Spice Girls enough to know what pain is.
FIGARO: Yeah, who chooses the music in this place? …But that’s not the point! Those animals don’t deserve to suffer! They didn’t choose to be born!
LORNA: No one chooses to be born! All life is suffering!
FIGARO: Okay, Nietzsche, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try to change things!
LORNA: “Nietzsche”? If anything, what I said was closer to existentialism than nihilism, and you’d know that if you’d ever actually read any Nietzsche, you poser. And
I’m not saying we can’t change things, but maybe some things are a function of our natural instincts and can never be changed except through a lengthy process of
evolution, which is in fact what has led us to this point!
FIGARO stares blankly at her for a few seconds.
And hot dogs taste great.
She makes for the food table again.
FIGARO: I have read Nietzsche!
She stops.
LORNA: What?
FIGARO: I have read Nietzsche! He wrote about suffering too.
LORNA: What?
FIGARO: He wrote about sacrifices that need to be made, and the value of suffering. See? I know what I’m talking about.
LORNA: Okay… That’s directly contradicting your point.
FIGARO: What point?
LORNA: About the animals? How they don’t deserve to suffer?
FIGARO: I wasn’t talking about the animals! I was just saying, I know what Nietzsche wrote about. You’re not the only one who knows things.
LORNA: Okay, so what do you want? A gold star?
FIGARO: Why do you have to be so angry all the time?
LORNA: Why do I have to be angry? I just wanted a hot dog and you SLAPPED IT OUT OF MY HAND.
FIGARO: Yeah, because it was wrong!
LORNA: So what? Are you going to go around throwing everyone’s food away because it doesn’t conform to your own personal code of ethics? [To a nearby
stranger] Excuse me, sir! You can’t eat that! It’s made of meat and Allegro’s not okay with that!
FIGARO: Shut up!
She keeps yelling. He puts his hand over her mouth. She licks it, and he pulls it away, disgusted.
FIGARO: I can’t believe you just did that. And my name’s Figaro!
LORNA: Yeah, well it sounds a lot like Allegro.
FIGARO: Yeah, well “Lorna” sounds like some kind of expensive urinal, so.
Beat.
LORNA: What, like “I really need a pee, let me just go use the Lorna for a second”? That’s vile. [She starts laughing.]That’s awful.
FIGARO: I didn’t mean that. That was beneath me.
LORNA: Oh? So you have boundaries now?
LORNA sits down in a chair close to the food table, and FIGARO pulls one up next to her.
FIGARO: I’m sorry about the hot dog. I overreacted.
LORNA: I’m sorry about licking your hand. You did overreact.
FIGARO: That’s – what? Okay, but I’m not the only one. You overreacted too.
LORNA: Are you really trying to suggest that me licking your hand to get it off my face is on the same level as you taking away food I need to sustain life on this ball of dirt we call a planet?
FIGARO: Ugh. Let’s not get into that again. It’s giving me a headache.
LORNA: I’m just saying, I’m still hungry. And it’s your fault.
FIGARO: Okay, so what do you want? What can I do to make it up to you?
LORNA: …Make me a hot dog?
FIGARO: You can get one yourself.
LORNA: I am weak with hunger, and don’t know if I’ll survive the journey to the food table.
FIGARO: It’s right – Okay. Fine. But only if you never mention the hot dog thing again.
He goes to make her a hot dog. She follows him back to the table. He puts a hot dog on a bun, plain, and holds it out to her. She crosses her arms.
LORNA: Could you put some mustard on that?
He puts mustard on it.
And some barbeque sauce.
He stops, gives her a look, but puts barbeque sauce on it.
And a slice of bacon?
FIGARO: Really?
LORNA: Have you ever tried bacon? Yes, really.
He puts the slice of bacon on it and holds it out again, not looking at the hot dog. She takes it.
Thanks.
They sit and listen to the music for a while. LORNA manages to eat about half of her hot dog
LORNA: I can’t finish this.
FIGARO: I thought you were hungry.
LORNA: I was. And then I ate.
He looks unimpressed.
FIGARO: You’re just going to throw the rest of it away? After all the trouble I took making it?
LORNA: Maybe you could have it.
FIGARO: Uh. No.
LORNA: Oh, well I guess I’ll just let it go to waste by throwing it away instead.
FIGARO, rolling his eyes:I’m not going to eat it.
LORNA: You don’t have to. Let me just go find a bin to throw it in, and I’ll be on my way.
FIGARO: You’re leaving?
LORNA: What else am I supposed to do? I came to the party. I mingled. I ate my hot dog. I’ve seen everything there is to see here.
FIGARO: You haven’t seen everything there is to see.
LORNA: No, I’m pretty sure that’s it.
FIGARO: What about this? [He takes the hot dog from her hand and holds it up to his mouth.]
LORNA: You wouldn’t actually.
FIGARO: If I do, will you stop trying to convince me that veganism is wrong?
LORNA shrugs. FIGARO takes a tentative bite of the hot dog and immediately makes a face. LORNA laughs in surprise.
FIGARO: That was disgusting. Meat is disgusting.
LORNA: You really don’t like the taste?
FIGARO: It’s vile. It’s awful. It’s weirdly salty. Can we get a drink to wash this down with?
LORNA: The punch bowl’s there if you need it.
FIGARO: I meant somewhere else. I think we need to get away from this godawful music.
LORNA: “We”?
FIGARO: Do you like – what is this, N’Sync?
LORNA: Backstreet Boys.
He raises his eyebrows.
Fine, point taken.
FIGARO: What do I do with this?
He motions to the hot dog that is now in his hand.
LORNA: Eat it.
FIGARO: No.
LORNA: Fine. But you’re buying the drinks.
FIGARO: Fine.
He disposes of the hot dog. Then he stands up and offers her his arm. She takes it with mock ceremony, and they leave.
END
Ana Kosic 